oliviation

It's Time

2011-09-14T23:34:00.005-06:00

Day in and day out is the same.
But lately I've been needing something different.
Happy but stagnant,
leaves me only pleased with life
but partially unfulfilled.
And right now, fulfillment is crucial.
There are those that care,
those that don't know to care
and
those that just never really cared enough to care.

That is where I stand.

I care,
but sometimes
I don't know to care
and
even then,
sometimes I just don't care enough to care
and I think...
"You know, this is just me, this is Olivia"

When I know that I can do better.

What I really have come to wonder is how do I know what to love in my future, when I don't know what it is I loved in my past, or what it is I love in my present.

The surprise comes in compromise because no one knows life without some form of sacrifice.

So what to learn from it all?

1. Be understanding of individuals. You wake up each day with your own trials, your own errors, your own dreams, ambitions and desires. Remember that every body else does too.

2. Be careful of the things you say. Someone, somewhere may be listening, and you may hurt them. A laugh from a joke isn't worth the tears that could from that same joke.

3. Strive to be better everyday. Prepare yourself for the day to day, but don't forget that your day to day eventually leads to your future. If you aren't heading in a direction of what you want to do and make no change, then your future lies in your present.

And remember, when all you get is the grind,
chin up, better days are on their way.

Some People

2011-05-30T23:52:00.004-06:00

Some people just never learn
Today I am "some people"

I should know by now
Things aren't always as they seem
They are usually very different
If time goes on and progression is lacking
Just forget about it
Because somethings never change
Some people never change

I've been taught to let things happen
Roll with the punches
Go with the flow
But today I'd rather not
Today I would rather be making things happen
Throwing the punches
Creating the flow

Oh, Some people never change
I never change
I guess this will never change

All The Same.

2011-04-26T22:51:00.007-06:00

I just keep writing and erasing.

Writing and erasing.

Over time everything kind of ties into one memory.

One drawn out, careless memory.

A memory it is.

Careless it was.

Had there not been that mistake

2011-01-31T01:15:00.003-07:00

Here I thought I knew it all,
but I had more to expect.
The words left out were what I needed,
but they were words
I should have learned to forget.
Cause when I see the lovely eyes
and
stare into that smile,
I have to remember why I'm here,
at least for a while.
It's easy to think about the happy times,
the sad times and all our exposed fears.
But I've been riding on the thought
that what I remember
isn't what is here.

So when do we let go?
No, not let go and forget,
but let go of the time
we spent thinking on regrets.

Cause each morning I wake
thinking what it'd be like,
had there not been that mistake.

A year goes by.

2011-01-17T02:53:00.003-07:00

Well it's been a while since I told you how I feel
and I know that time can change what we think is real

But I know that I wont follow where you go.
I notice the leaves are changing
and winters coming slow.

Well it's been a while since I saw you really smile
and it's been some time since I felt so agile

But I know that I wont follow where you go.
I notice the leaves are changing
and winters coming slow.

Well it's been a while since you and I both spoke
and I know that in the end you and I both choked.

But I see the leaves, they're slowly turning green,
though coming back to color they are still weak.
And the leaves start to fall,
and you never call.

But I know that I wont follow where you go
and I notice the leaves are changing
and winters coming slow.

Love can.

2010-12-09T05:10:00.002-07:00

Over a year ago I ventured into a thought that changed the way I saw things.
That thought was this...

You know the moment when you finally realize that what you have thought all along was in fact false?  Me too. I have spent my entire life thinking that once love comes, that  is it, and there is never anything better. But I have been wrong all  along, there is something better. Love is great,  love is fun and love is happy, but love changes and love grows. Although  it seems scary, there is never anything better. And that  is when you find there is something better than simply finding love. It  is when you realize that your love gets bigger and stronger every day. It's like you gave your love muscle milk and a gym pass. It's when you realize that you have just fallen even more in love than you ever thought possible.. again.  Tonight I fell in love, again. Over and over. I knew I loved him  before, but I got reassurance and somehow this tremendous love I have...  grew. Call me crazy, call me strange, but there is no un-cliche way to say I love you.

(Written November 13, 2009 but for some reason I never actually posted it... I stumbled across it this evening.)

That thought did change me. It has reminded me through good times and bad times that love is real. It has shown me, by experience, that love can heal a broken heart.

I have no doubt.
Love can.

I don't say much anymore

2010-11-28T01:18:00.009-07:00

Not because I don't have much to say
Just because not enough is said in return
And though I like to be open and real
Reality is enough this time

You can't continue to care like you always have
When the care is never retraced
And you can't keep reminding that once
Yes once
It was worth the effort
While you are reminded every day
That your worth is not enough

Well maybe I should have something to say.
Something like...

You are losing it all because you are letting this go. Even with the hard times and the task at hand, this is what you chose. You could have held on and kept hope but you let it go. I can't repeat myself enough, YOU LET THIS GO. I was here, you know I have been here, but now it has been too long. And the "closer" it gets, the further we fall apart. I know there is reason I don't hear your voice anymore. The exact reason remains undisclosed, but in time I always know. I try to forgive and I try to forget, but you cannot forget your everyday just like I cannot forget mine. Even still, I can't tell you enough how much I'm missing you here.

...I suppose there is no good in having something to say,
so I won't say much anymore.

A Constant Circle

2010-11-12T01:14:00.010-07:00

Some days I see a little tinsy bit of crazy in me.
Today I fueled the fire of my emotional melt down.
Yes, I successfully tossed myself into a rolling mess of flames.
Why do I dream the dreams I do?
(Maybe the engagement is just a reminder that something is out of my reach)
(Something tends to be you)
I am reminded too often that this long lasting disaster is not ending.
Or at least it is not ending how I would like it to.
Eventually it will end.
With or without me and most definitely with or without you.
I used to think it would always be with.
I no longer have a thought that stays the same about it.
Nights like tonight when I say good-bye
with the deepest pit in my stomach,
turn the car on and over my speakers come the powerful words
"Just walk away, I know it hurts".
A song I wouldn't even know if it weren't for the one I good-bye-d in the first place.
Oh how irony fills this silly little life I lead.
It is the most consistent thing in my life
besides this constant circle I keep running in.

I am starting to learn why I lose.
Because no matter what I do,
in the end I can't deny the truth.
You say "I don't know if this is worth it"
and I say

I am an open book, a well lit fire, dangerously running around in circles.

I keep secrets really well

2010-11-08T00:21:00.005-07:00

I have a secret that I can't refuse
The secret is that I cannot choose
And though I wait for thoughtful reply
My wait remains on just this one guy

.... and still waiting, always waiting.

You must remember.

2010-11-08T00:06:00.005-07:00

Something we must be reminded of is to remember.

Remember your heart and the good you have in it.
Remember the heart of another and be fragile with it.
Remember your love and the happiness from it.
Remember to love cause it's always worth it.
Remember.
Remember.
Remember.
Remember what ruined what was perfect.

And then simply remember that you decide why you remember.

The Truth About Fair-weather Hearts

2010-10-12T00:24:00.013-06:00

Fair-weather: Weakening or failing in time of trouble.

Listen closely, like friends when you were young and someone cooler came along,
fair-weather has never been a good thing.
Especially when it is lodged in your heart.
A fair-weather heart was never the type of heart I wanted to invest mine in.
Yet, I have.

The mistake lies in the bad days.
When you are finally just so happy you cant imagine anything different,
and then everything changes.
It's like standing in a dressing room excited for all the cute things you are about to try on, and then randomly the walls come down around you.
And you are left standing in the middle of a department store,
TOTALLY NAKED.
You can't depend on anything when everything is fair-weather.
Especially not happiness, forget about that stuff.
Because fair-weather is fickle and faithless, unsure and unreliable.
Know now, that as much as you yearn for even a week of normality,
of laughter and smiles, just a tiny bit of happiness,
you wont get it, because things will just get worse.
It's just that a fair-weather heart never gives you what you desire.
It will build you up and bring you down over and over and over.
Even if you are a fighter, like me, you should know that waiting on a fair-weather heart,
that not giving up and hanging on,
does not work.
Fighting a fair-weather heart is nearly impossible.

Once again.

2010-10-06T01:21:00.011-06:00

The love I want doesn't give up and the love I need won't walk away because the love I'm searching for is unwavering. You see, the love I've managed to maintain must be convinced it's good, must be convinced it works, must be pulled kicking and screaming along, just to get it to give in. But when it does, the love I have is the best. Why must that change daily? Why can't it just be seen, that together our love is the best love. No more fighting our way along, hoping for a break.

All I asked was "did you really leave?"

You said, "I'm gone Olivia."

The only response I could form was the same,

"Me too."

You see, nothing will change after this. This part wont make me any less sad or cry any less tears. It's not going to make anything better or anything happier. It will likely make it worse. This post will simply remind me that I am better than this, better than the mess I have been left in. Again.

It was known, this way ruined everything. But it is all the same. I can't pretend to be okay as just a friend and you can't pretend to care like you say you do. IT IS ALL THE SAME! And yeah, thanks for the good times, but I am done. Don't ask for me to help you make it there, cause I don't like being walked all over. All I missed was my ~~best friend~~... I must have mistaken you for someone else. It was easy to remind you of angels, hard to remind you of the good. And a weekend spent left a week out in the cold. Watching ups and downs elsewhere brought fear and we have now made their unhappiness ours. You chose that. You let your fear decide our future. Fear never was a good thing.

I am not perfect, no one is, nothing is ever completely perfect.

If that is what you are looking for you will never find it.

Whether that be with me or someone else.

Here is the thing.

I have a strong love, a passionate love, a serious love.

The one that gets you in the morning when you wake.

The one that keeps you side tracked all day.

The one that sits at your side while you try to sleep and keeps you awake all night.

The one that makes it so even when you don't mean to, you smile.

The one that makes you feel like nothing in the world could be wrong.

The one that sneaks happily into your dreams.

The one that people only daydream about.

It's an undying love.

A happy love.

But like me, it's not perfect.

It's crazy, it's messy, and it's stubborn, but it's the love I have.

I gave it away in a pretty little package.

And it was taken, but I haven't seen that pretty little package since.

It was never returned.

It Beats Slowly

2010-10-05T00:08:00.004-06:00

They say
"She can't fall for you if you're not there to catch her."
Well she and I are very alike

I can't fall for you
if you're not there to catch me.
(Whether it be I am re-falling, falling further or just stumbling clumsily downward)

It's this womanly instinct of mine.
I just know when something isn't quite okay.
Why is that?
Why do I spend half my day knowing there is something wrong
and the other half trying to fix it?

It wears me down.

It's like that day in elementary school when you came home
and your mom wasn't there to greet you.
This eerie feeling comes and you know something isn't right.
Sure, maybe it was nothing,
maybe she just was in a really long line at the grocery store,
or maybe just at the neighbors chatting.

Regardless of why,
your normal life was shifted for a day.

My normal life is becoming that very life.
The same one where I come home and my mom is gone.
Except this has nothing to do with my mom
and everything to do with
my heart

♥
This heart that has chest walls inflating around it.
This heart that is constantly left hanging.
This heart that is my heart and though it beats,
it beats slowly.
♥

Words are spread out over a flat life-less screen.
And the much over-due words keep me waiting with suspense.
But will the words that need to be
ever be said?

In Love With A Ghost

2010-09-23T00:16:00.008-06:00

Yes, it's true.

love

with a ghost.

As you try and discover what that means

I'll just be here

sulking in the reality that

I love someone that,

yes, could love me,

but is a ghost from my past.

It's too easy to give up

It's the road less traveled to stick it out

But I'm afraid this road is a long one

and might not lead anywhere

This is the trouble of finding myself

head over heels

for a ghost.

Start/Finish

2010-09-16T00:06:00.005-06:00

This is how communication works

You
START
and
You
FINISH

We have stopped in the middle.
Just like everything else about us.
We stopped before we reached the place we wanted to be.
Had we ever done something start to finish, we wouldn't be here.
This conversation wouldn't need to be.
This communication would work.

If only we would
FINISH
what we
START

This Is Not My Day

2010-09-14T20:36:00.004-06:00

This is not my day

And this definitely is not my week

It's not my month

And there is no way that this is my year

But this is my life

and it's falling apart

again

TODAY IS NOT THE DAY TO HAVE A BREAK DOWN

as I said,

this battle is a choice

and as much as you try to convince yourself

it shouldn't take that much convincing to

be happy.

all I want to do is

be done

I need to be patient.

2010-09-12T20:56:00.004-06:00

I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.
I need to be patient.

Am I patient enough to deal?
To give so much time to just see what happens.
This will be a challenge.
I always ask, will it even be worth it?
But I always know it will be.

You Are "The One"

2010-09-09T00:51:00.006-06:00

WAIT WAIT WAIT
Don't get yourself all ahead of...
Yourself

and
Especially don't get yourself all ahead of myself

words are forcefully being placed in your thoughts
NO
for whatever reason you believe I am in need
get rid of that reason
I am not on some desperate search for
"the one"
it is more a desperate search for
me

and you may think I need you
oh brother sometimes I even think I need you
but I've been getting along just fine

perhaps I don't laugh as hard as I used to
but I smile

and a smile is all I have had to fake to get here

I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be Friends

2010-08-31T21:52:00.005-06:00

as many times as you try, you don't succeed
you'll find that eventually you'll need me
but i am better off, you on the other hand wont be
i am not forming some cleaver rhyme
to remind you that i am the one you want
these are just honest words saying
this friendship is intact
but i know how it goes
this is how we do
nothing ever comes from the back and forth
EXCEPT MOTION SICKNESS
and let me tell you
i
am
sick
if up to this point you have assumed i need you
know that i get by
as for now you are just another number in a book

although, i must say, that island would be lonely without you

In check

2010-07-18T15:34:00.001-06:00

At what point have I passed that undefined fine line? I believe yesterday.

It's worth it, I know

2010-06-12T13:26:00.002-06:00

We sat in my car and had that feeling start.
But you keep telling me it's better apart.
Though my head repeats "Let go Liv, let go".
My heart says "It's worth it, I know."

So how do I just move on,
if I can't get this feeling gone?

Pardon me, my mistake.

2010-06-11T01:38:00.002-06:00

This is not how to handle things anymore.
So stop making decisions, because no one likes a failure.
But this isn't about what they think, this is about happiness.
And let me tell you mister.....

Happiness isn't a privilege, it's a decision.

June 8 2009

2010-06-08T01:33:00.005-06:00

June 8 2009

All I knew was what I had experienced.
Pain.
I lost all trust in anything good.
I knew it would take time to move past.
But as I said one year ago,
" I had the worst before the best found me".
The second I opened the door, I knew,
things would be different.
This time around was going to change everything.
And it truly did.

June 8 2010

A similar feeling, a different story.

I am just waiting for something to change.
Dear June 8 2011, what will you bring?

Days Go By

2010-06-06T20:25:00.003-06:00

I've seen days full of sadness, of hope and of fear.
There have been days of loneliness, of smiles and things left unclear.
I've seen days of getting and times of giving.
Days when hearts were left without living.

I've seen days that will count and days left alone.
Days meaning everything and days on my own.

What kind of day is today?

D. All of the above.

Something.

2010-05-24T00:13:00.003-06:00

Something about last night reminded me why I don't do this anymore. Back to the same old, I know it.

As I laid there, I remembered all the feeling and all the emotion. I remembered that is where I would have stayed. I looked at pictures of people that I was preparing to have as family. Now just some people I once knew. One day my picture was going to be on that mantle. Now my pictures are all in boxes, in the home I had for the two of us,

yes, the place where I live alone.

the answer lies in mathematics.

2010-03-07T21:20:00.003-07:00

a positive

multiplied

by a

negative

will always be a negative.

so when I hear yes

and you hear no

the answer lies in mathematics.

Disregard

2010-02-16T17:36:00.002-07:00

Today I will learn to disregard the past and hope for the future.

Cause I learned today that my past wont be part of my future.

You can only break so many times before you are unfixable.

I may be unfixable.

I am ill.

Diagnosis: broken heart

Symptoms: flu like

What I've Become..

2010-01-27T03:09:00.005-07:00

When I have no where else, I turn here. I am not alone at mind, but alone at heart. I truly never thought I would be here, but here I am. Watching people pass by seems to be working for me. An unhappy way of showing that I no longer care. I want everything that I have ever needed in one small package. I had that. And here we go. Days went by with constant smiles and laughter, like never before, but something changed. In my eyes those days were long and lovely, my eyes have been closed. I suppose I should have noticed, but who did, I dare to bet no one saw something missing. I've been crept upon and taken control of, changed inside and out. It's not easy to reverse whats been done, also not easy to just let it all slip by. Though it does. Everyday it slips further and further while I grow closer to where I maybe should focus a bit more. Some days I feel that maybe I can salvage whats left, like in some sort of catastrophe, but often whats left doesn't compare and can never be the same... Easier just to start fresh. I have never been so scared. This time I am not just losing something small, something replaceable, this time I am losing my world.

In the tiniest nutshell, this is what I've become.
Sadly this is no longer me.

Lost Touch

2010-01-25T01:55:00.003-07:00

I guess I've lost touch. Can't remember how I am supposed to feel anymore. All along being so sure, only to completely forget it all. Hope begins to deteriorate from underneath me and honestly, I'm beginning to think its time to give up. The other gives up to, its like every third day minds will change.

First, this is worth it, this is perfect, love is all we need.
Second, I'm unsure, can't make it work, love is faulty enough.
Third, its just not there, too hard, unfair, love gave up so should we.

It's how it goes, day after day the cycle continues. I'm forgetting to smile, to laugh, to breathe. How did I come up so short, I thought that I was in the lead, that along the way we would together be winning. But all around me is happiness and I am caving in. Can't control the way I feel or the things that shift my mood, but I have lost all sanity here and had to find something to keep me alive inside.
Surprise surprise, it always back fires, and friends lose their title as lies begin. Is it possible to trust someone that you know cannot be trusted? No. But here I go, breaking hearts, of hearts I don't even know, although my own is in the mix, its been numb for most the time. And I can't seem to let go. Either way I have my hands tied.

I must not live like this. I cannot.
Pray there are at most two more weeks of sorrow, before bliss kicks back in.

Slapped

2009-11-30T02:26:00.003-07:00

How is it possible that you get slapped in the face once and then you let your self get slapped again?

I've been wrong before

2009-10-08T01:11:00.018-06:00

Time gave me the chance to move on and I moved quickly.

Somehow I am back to where I started.

That fluttering in my stomach reminds me that this time is the time.

There is no second guessing.

What do I know anyway?

I've been guessing all along.

I thought I had it figured out, I thought I knew, but

I've been wrong before.

How do you make decisions based on happiness when happiness fluctuates?

You don't.

Why when you are happy does opposition come your way?

Can we ever really contain happiness permanently?

I'm starting to lose faith because everyday is different,

everyday gives me just one more reason to step back with

one more reason to hang on.

<3

2009-08-10T19:58:00.008-06:00

Yes, it's true,

I found beauty in my breakdown.

I found happiness.

I found love.

My name is Olivia Shepherd

and

I cant wipe this smile off my face.

Saddest I've Ever Been

2009-08-05T18:09:00.010-06:00

I couldn't think of a time when I had ever been so sad
and I couldn't think of a place where so many tears had fallen at once

I never had been so numb and never laid so limp and frail
Exhausted and alone, this was the saddest I've ever been

I Dont Move Fast

2009-07-29T02:13:00.007-06:00

No, no, this is not NASCAR

I don't move fast

I haven't been driving

this car all along

I've just been sitting back

relaxed

watching the clouds

float by

No, no, this is not NASCAR

Peace

2009-07-27T21:01:00.006-06:00

This time was the final goodbye

never has closure felt so good.

Peace, love & hair grease

What Keeps Me Up At Night

2009-07-23T23:45:00.012-06:00

When there is nothing I can say,

words just lose meaning

and I've been thinking,

what keeps me up at night?

Tear ducts are spoiled

and the sun keeps me alive,

just one more time.

While locked inside,

I left, but did not cry.

Focus broke and time was wasted.

It seemed every day

I found something more I hated.

Every time I start dreaming,

of things I left

and hope I'm needing.

It's different now

than it was before

and forgetting makes me think

of what I can afford.

To give it up

is a deed that's done,

but a lie was kept

so I still run.

The Best Found Me

2009-07-22T01:06:00.006-06:00

It's true, happiness comes in unknown packages. You will find yourself down, hurt, alone and confused then suddenly out of no where, something wonderful is left at your door. Instantly, you are happier than you ever were before. Thank goodness for that! There is hardly anything better than knowing a day will not go by without laughter, without smiles, without genuine happiness.

I had the worst before the best found me.

And I've never been so pleased.

One Of These Days

2009-06-17T00:18:00.010-06:00

Dear Self,

One of these days you are going to learn to keep up with this rapidly spinning world. Wouldn't it be nice for just one day to be your own, where you make the rules? Of course, but some shots aren't yours to call. Don't let this tear you down and rip you apart, all will go as it should. Just remember it's easier to laugh it off some days, but eventually you will have to face reality. When the flames get too hot, don't sweat it, just play it cool.

Love,
Yourself

Breathe

2009-06-08T00:27:00.006-06:00

Dear Self,

You were trying and it wasn't you that gave up this time. But lets be honest, you saw this one coming. Just unfortunate how long you spent waiting around just to let it all go. It's tough but you will be better off moving on.

Breathe Liv, breathe.

Love,

Yourself

I Waited All Night

2009-06-06T03:30:00.011-06:00

Dear Self:

Why did you wait all night? Yes, an entire night spent waiting. Did you think that something just might actually change today? Everything is still the same. Wipe that smile off of your sad, let down face. Faking a smile is all to easy for you. Stop it. To bare a real smile may seem like its not in the cards right now, but it is... All in due time. It's true, someone else should be concerned with putting a smile on your face. Maybe they just don't quite understand. The one option that seems the easiest is giving up, but girl, you're not a quitter, so don't give up so fast. But you shouldn't have to keep waiting every night. Think back to a year ago, constantly waiting for the call that was promised. A call that never was actually made. Yes, it'd be nice to be able to count on just one thing in life, but life has a funny way of kicking you back when you try to get ahead of it. So just let it work itself out. You know what's at stake and so does the other.

Love,

Yourself

My Little Angels

2009-05-08T04:02:00.009-06:00

Just a few of my little angels

Maria is my little girl, my pride, my joy, my love.

Miss her terribly.

Happiness

2009-05-03T04:20:00.003-06:00

Will I ever just be able to be happy

and keep the happiness alive?

Not let this small world interfere?

Life happens but we get a choice

I am keeping this smile on my face

because this time is worth it.

"Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home"

Thank you The Fray
I needed this tonight

Special Invitation

2009-03-25T00:13:00.016-06:00

I've just been waiting for that

Special Invitation

When I hear the words

I'll know it's not just an indication

It's a celebration

A good vibration

A separation

Of hope lost and moving on

Or time spent and hurt spread

Of words you cannot take back

Or words you never said

But one word was stuck in my head

It kept me thinking of when this would end

A small signal that just didn't send

Of captivation, of knowlegde and fear

Just waiting for something you wanted to hear

But this ship is not one you intended to steer

It's becoming so clear

Do I want to stay here?

Tolls

2009-03-14T23:20:00.008-06:00

Everyday I think of you.

EVERYDAY.

Are you thinking of me?

This is me,

knowing there is more to this than I've seen.

Or this is me,

wondering where the time has gone

and why I don't hear from you anymore.

I'm close enough to catch up,

but far enough behind to lose you.

Don't run much further.

We wont be alone for long.

I see happiness.

I feel passion.

I see danger.

I feel scared.

I see hope.

I feel love.

Don't let me lose you before I ever know.

These aren't mixed messages,
this is just 3500 miles taking its toll.

Hello Ecuador

2009-02-06T18:47:00.003-07:00

Ecuador is beautiful! Its so happy and amazing.

I miss home, but not really, at all.

Can´t wait to start the work and give my love.

I couldn´t be any place better!

Controling a Car You Can't Steer

2009-02-02T01:48:00.007-07:00

Sometimes change is exactly what you need to find out if your situation is right. Sometimes, it isn't. This time, we will see. I have a bad habit of finding myself on the opposite end, thinking I found what I needed, knowing nothing at all.

Hard to kick an old habit.

Also hard to change the way I feel, if I really feel at all. Some people stick around hoping that things will some how conform to how they wish they would be. I on the other hand, give up before I know if things will ever be what I dream. It's hard to forget failure. It's hard to forget each time you try. Nights I find myself kicking and screaming, until I open my eyes and see, things really are much better.

If I could just let it be happy.

If I could just let it be.

If I could.

If.

Or maybe this time I am right. This time my thought to run is because I should. I gave up on the past years ago. I gave up holding onto what I could never change, and people I wasn't meant for. Why am I alone? Why is all there is to see from the past? And different times? And different people? Just as I am hearing a lot of "we're just friends" and "I am over it" I am asked elsewhere why I spend my days with those who cant move on. I ask myself the same thing.

There are happy days.

There are times when I wake up to a sun filled room.

I smile because I know where I am is where I should be.

I see a smile, I feel a touch, I hear a laugh, and I know.

But will the days last longer than the nights?

I thought I knew. I think I know.

I don't.

Getting On a Plane

2009-01-30T03:27:00.005-07:00

Big changes.
Really big changes.
New people. New place. New home.
Babies. Children.
Spanish.
Saying goodbye.
I've never been this far from home.
"See you later"s.
It gets good every time I'm about gone.
Cant sleep.
Ecuador here I come.

A Shepherd Family Take Down

2008-12-29T15:27:00.008-07:00

This is my family :)

These are the girls
These are the girls, at their finest... uhhh
These are the sisters
This is Jesse showing his love for his girls This is the face I made after Julia tried molesting meThis is Heidi, being VERY Heidi-esque

This is our gang... The LA peeping Toms with Super Female Powers.. ?

This is our "YEAH" face

These are the Shepherd females super happy to all be together

This was the family take down

This is where the family take down began

This is Baby J being awesome!This was just before the REAL take down...

This was THE REAL TAKE DOWN.. no animals were hurt in the making of the take down

This is what happens when everyone is angry and we are laughing hard about it...

This is my "look at my new sweatshirt" pose

This is our "Dont Mess, or we will take you down with Marshmallows" pose

But seriously, DONT MESS!

Merry Christmas Love My Family!

I Saw This Coming

2008-12-16T18:11:00.003-07:00

I have always believed that happiness takes work, but where have I crossed the line between work and desperation. What was I thinking, assuming that all this hurt, pain, and wrecklessness was eventually going to put a smile on my face? I decieved myself once again. Now I am worse off than I was before. Why would I give in and believe I had it coming to me? Here I am again, where am I going? Cause this is leading no where.

Thank goodness there is hope elsewhere.... Cross your fingers!

The Saddest Story I've Told

2008-12-11T13:02:00.008-07:00

Either get in my life

Or get out

There is no more of this inbetween thing

No more games

Or lies

I waited far too long for this time to come

But I cant wait for you to measure up

The saddest story I've told

I'd rather be blue than happy without you

Weather is a Changing

2008-12-05T17:41:00.006-07:00

The warmest winter I can remember
Is beginning to get cold
Unpredictable, I know
Where did this come from
I was enjoying the sunshine
The cold isnt bad
But I was content before it arrived

Am I wrong to feel that I need to have my guard completely up?
And how is this becoming the same as it was before?
Why do I think that this is odd?
And when will I figure it out?
This change is happening all too fast
And I fear it is making me lose my better judgement.
As if it was ever better at all....

Age-ified

2008-11-20T01:10:00.004-07:00

Today is an anniversary of age, I am age-ifying, if you will. The big 2-1. Exciting? Maybe. We will see at the end of the day. Just three things to ask for...
1. To at some point in the day eat sushi
2. To hang out with my brothers for at least a little bit
3. To get a good drivers license picture.. haha (these darn braces)

Cross your fingers! :)

UPDATE:

I accomplished all I was hoping for on my birthday! YAY!
And even had more fun than I planned, and went with all of my bestest friends (minus Emily & Seth) to NEON and danced our little hearts out!

(Me & my Girls!)

(My BEST friends EVER!)

(J & I)

(Oh Darren, you have such beautiful teeth.. hehe)
(My favorite boys EVER!!)

(These are my boys and this is why I love them!)

(I dont know these men, but our shirts were the same! ha)

Of All The Days

2008-11-18T01:16:00.007-07:00

Of all the days
Of all the time
You chose this place
And re-enter my life
As if worry never left
As if fear never died
Your word not kept
Still aches inside
1000 pounds
Hit square in the chest
But I stand proud
You made this mess
It was months ago
Almost years to date
Not friend or foe

Your call came today

As soon as I begin to get by, stand on my own two feet.
Enough time for wounds not to close, but keep clean.
There you are, and I am fine.
Just not on the inside.

When everything is looking up, the world comes crashing down.
Again, and again, and again.

I would like to just break down.

So please, this time,

Just leave me here.

Cause somedays I miss where I stood.

The Milk Has Expired

2008-11-16T01:46:00.002-07:00

I faintly remember nights that were spent
Not long ago
Standing in the August breeze
on this hidden road
Looking into your eyes
You were locked on mine
We laughed, we joked
but just to pass time
You told me that you could see this
For forever and forever
I told you I hadn't felt anything
No, not ever
You showered me with words I didn't deserve
And things I couldn't keep
You told me of places that we'd go
and promised things we'd see
A fortune for lovers
finding their dream
You told me you loved me
You knew I didn't feel a thing

Now November air is heavy
And weighing down on me
I'm trying to understand
But still cant feel a thing
I thought I'd wait
To explain feelings
I thought I would
Give time for healing
The first few words
They seemed so good
Somehow I knew
This news would hurt
A ring to her finger
Words dropped like a brick
Fast and faded away
You moved on so quick

Let Me Down One More Time..

2008-11-11T01:24:00.004-07:00

There is far too much disappointment found here.

Its about time to give in and give up.
I play like baseball, 3 strikes and you're out.

But I keep letting it slide, like something might just change.

The only problem is it never does.

I don't want to be pushy, because that will get us no where.

But be honest.
My mind keeps trying to believe that there is something,

but my heart is a reminder that alone will keep it from breaking.

Please don't let this be just one more promise you cant keep.

Don't let me down, again.

Soon enough you will be dead to me

What a tragedy

Today is a word on paper

2008-11-06T00:46:00.009-07:00

Somedays to find the right thing to say, words just need to fly.

Somedays to get to the right destination, you just need to drive.

Today was my day.

Dont question, just pick up the phone.

You WILL survive.

This is just a test.

Dont be fooled, it is hard work.

Be prepared for some let downs, but also be prepared for great sucesses.

Maybe Mondays aren't so bad and what you thought you could no longer look for will show up at your front door.

Its not a secret unless you want it to be and even then, someone will know.

Crush, just dont let your crush crush you, and dont crush the crush.

Smiles get wider when time expires, not the other way around.

You tried really hard, just not your hardest.

You did good, but definitely did not do your best.

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

A stamp on a cheek means only one thing, someone is in for a little surprise.

You see, honesty can never be mean, it can just be brutal.

Someday you will forgive that little part in your heart that keeps telling them that nothing is wrong. Clearly, something is.

Who are you missing? Why are they gone? How will you find them? When will they return?

Please keep safe on your journey dear, for when you return, I shall smile.

This is a race but the clock will never beat me.

The truth is in the call. MY truth is in my fall.

Be the person you wanted to be, share with millions, hope and believe.

Words wont change the expresion on my face, unless I take them in and remember this place. This place is tainted, so forget about it.

Move on quick but wait for the moment.

Try to think, how would you have felt? What would you have done? Blame them again, I dare you.

You---GET BACK HERE!

I wanted you to know, I find beauty in your blindness. I feel love for you, not kindness. Be here. Dont go again.

Age is becoming timeless, words are becoming rhymeless and I am on my own.

I'll go to watch them do what I dream. Old and wrinkled, I WILL be where I want to be.

Smile and be free!

Block

2008-11-05T01:43:00.008-07:00

Recently writers block and I came to terms. Unfortunately, I suffer from many blocks. Many of which I fear I may never get over. A friend told me to cure my writers block I needed to just write. Write and write until the creative side of my brain kicks in. It worked. So when will the rest of it begin to work? For instance, Lovers block, the more I fight it, the worse it gets. Every time I have someone amazing in my life, I push away. I try to fix it the way I fix writers block, just to love and love and love. As much as I want to and try to love, it never works the way I wish it would.

"A love lost, is a life lost!"

How many more lives need to be lost before I get over this "block"?

I'm stuck.

Again.

This time I'm lonely, just not alone.

Here We Are, Again

2008-10-07T02:54:00.003-06:00

All I can say,

Quite the curve ball life, quite the curve ball!

Unfortunately, it was the last thing I wanted, needed, could have wished for.

But there isnt going back now.

It'll be fine.

Everything I ever wanted is often put at stake.

I just have to remember...

Be strong.

Fight hard.

Believe.

I never thought it'd be like this.

And here we are, AGAIN.

Work Is My Husband

2008-09-10T01:11:00.005-06:00

I forgot what it is like to have to work and be a responsible adult for so long that now that I have to do it again, I cant seem to find time for anything else. Especially blogging :(
Things have been absolutely crazy. I feel like all I do is work, or be sick. My immune system hates me. I guess it could be called payback. For the 5 months that I didn't have to work, I played whenever, where ever and it started to catch up with me. Reminds me of when I first moved out on my own, I played so hard, that when the sickness kicked in there was no fixing it. Here we go again.
The biggest bummer about being so stinking busy or just having my time filled sick in bed, is that I hardly get to see the people I love! So sad!! I am pushing a MONTH on seeing two of my very best friends. It seriously kills me. Kind of reminds me of how some people describe marriage.. as soon as you are married, you don't have time for so many of your friends because you want to spend time with your man... So I have decided, until I re-get a life, work is my husband.

A Lesson Learned

2008-08-30T04:46:00.013-06:00

Today I sat and realized how fast the days are flying by me. In just a couple short months I will be celebrating my 21st birthday. Weird. A day that I have been waiting and waiting for, to finally be considered an adult... then I realized I don't have much to show for it. Yes, I live on my own, I pay for my own things, I have my baby girl Tina (my Mazda3 ha), but there are a few things that I don't have to show, that I wish I did. Where have I been? What have I seen? What have I learned? This is when I see how scary it is to officially grow up and not know where I am headed.

A few lessons learned...

1. It is too easy to base life on money. If we don't have money, we don't get to do things we enjoy, or things we think we would enjoy. WHY?! I see in the lives of the few that have already learned this lesson, that there is never a limit to what you can do if you put your mind to it and stop making excuses. Why let money be the one object that rules the decisions you make? There is always another way. Life is meant to be lived, so live it!

2. Education is a beautiful thing. You can always lose material things, but no one can ever take your knowledge from you. Appreciate the opportunity you have to attend school, to learn and grow as a human being through the art of knowledge!

3. "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone.." Never a truer statement. 2008 has been filled with a lot of disappointment, but it has also been filled with a lot of life changing experiences. Experience that I needed to grow as a person, experience that has made me stronger, experience that has taught me more about myself than I could have learned any other way. It is hard to admit, but I have found benefit to sorrow. I just had to keep breathing! We all get down in life, but what defines us is what we do to get back up.

4. Regret. There is no room for it in life. We put so much time, so much energy into worrying about what we could have done, what we didn't, what we should have done, what we couldn't. Why waste time upset over time wasted? No Regrets!

5. Sometimes what you wanted isn't quite what you'd expected. Don't let it be a let down, don't just walk away. Give it time. But if time doesn't help you to be happy, change something fast. If what you expected and what you got are the same, stick with it. Expectations can ruin anything and if they do, move along, find something new. Keep your chin up.

6. Don't make an overnight decision that will determine your entire future. Give thoughts, people and change time. Consider the fact that you, too, may need to change and do it humbly.

7. Don't let hearts break, unless yours is breaking from keeping others in one piece. Sometimes you have to be selfish to keep yourself whole. But, be careful, for it is said, "A love lost is a life lost", and I couldn't agree more. But remember, Love isn't about what you say, it's about what you do!

8. "Never put off enjoying the moment. Eat the good chocolate today. Wear your new socks today. Don't save the best for last!" I wish I knew the wise woman that said these words.

9. Don't wait for your future to come, you have to reach out and grab it before its gone.

10. You can have anything, but you still wont have everything unless you live and love for your Father in Heaven!

What have I learned lately?

Friends mean everything,

Family means more,

Someday happiness WILL find each of us,

If we let it.

The Beginning of Oliviation

2008-08-29T02:00:00.002-06:00

Someone once told me

"Without a blog, you are nothing."

They may have been exaggerating a bit, but probably not.

So this is where it begins.

OLIVIATION

Don't read into it too hard,

You may hurt yourself.

But read enough to know,

to feel,

to Love.

And then forget it all.